A little bit of Gudvybz on a Sunday!!

I knw it's been a while so I figured when I cum again I'd make it good ;)

I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Gudvybz GV on Facebook Live (just before we had afternoon tea cos we're posh & grown like that), and here's what I had to say:

And after tea (& some alcoholic beverages *shifty eye*)

One year down....forever to go

Today has been a bitter-sweet day, I've reflected on different things I've learnt in the past year, about myself, about other people. I've always been able to put things neatly into their boxes, one thing not affecting the other; opening the boxes a little bit when needed just to maintain balance or at least a façade of it.
I always felt this was not a loss I will get over, always felt I'd never survive it. That's been about right, I haven't, not quite...but I'm still breathing. I felt I'd be in a different place right now since I kept breathing I'd be able to box it somewhere and put it in a corner. I still can't decide if I'm worse or just different.
The acceptance has been something; that it wouldn't get better more manageable, sure but not better. There are bearable days, many of them and days just filled with despair. This is a 'permanent state of affairs.

I see the question in people's eyes, in the tone of their voices. They forget, want you to be ok for their comfort..want you to snap out it. And I just want to tell them to accept, the way I have accepted. Accept it or leave my life, "the day I stop grieving is the day I stop breathing"*


*Inspired by something I read earlier in the week


(and back to the regular scheduled program very soon)

Detoxified's 30 Days Of Hope (Day 27)

My entry in 30 Days Of Hope sessions run by a very talented blogger, who I admire from afar (ish). You can follow him on twitter @0Toxic and his blog http://olatoxic.wordpress.com
Day 27: Nimi 

I’ve never pegged myself as the writing down hopes and dreams type of woman.  For work, definitely, when I was in school for studying without doubt it makes sense, but for life...never really thought about it. I just know what I want to happen and try to make it so.  Always figured there’s a certain vulnerability to writing it all, like it brings to light  (and the universe) how much I want it which increases the likelihood  of me not getting it which will hurt (so optimistic, aren’t I?). Plus it reminds me of the church of my youth...writing down what you want and praying on it. Speaking of church, I guess that a good place to start (yes I can be a bit of a rambler when trying to get to something).

The church was part of the reason I actually sent the message I was up for writing this. I saw the blog post as I was getting ready for a church service (4^th attendance of the year, whole other conversation), I smiled and wondered if I should put myself for it. Was still thinking about it when the teaching began and of course much of it centered on the New Year.  A lot of what was spoken about was ‘hope’ and ‘dreams’,  now that was a sign if I needed one.  I’m not a ‘signs’ person (I sound fun, don’t I?), I consider myself a realist. I have optimistic moments and pessimistic moments but ultimately I stay grounded in realism.  So all hopes and dreams are always undercut in realism but for 2014 my philosophy is ‘what is the point of dreams if they don’t get to fly as high as they can’.  So the condensed version of some of mine

Facing my spirituality head on, away from the standard trappings of religion.  I am so far removed from who I was taught to be as a teenager it’s crazy to compare. To blindly follow stopped being me forever ago but the problem is that I stopped moving all together; I read different things and listen to different things but remain stagnant. It’s time to make a choice on the direction I want to go and I can’t lie, that is actually scary.  Things like this is when I think I may have that commitment issue folks talk about.

Write more, go for every writing opportunity available to me, improve, create variety, and put myself out there.  I already started this last year and I intend to do more this year. I always hesitate with this simply because what I have chosen as (most of) my writing subject isn't exactly the wholesome stuff for the masses.  That has me wondering how I would be received in certain situations which is unlike me.  So the plan is to carry my life attitude into my writing, to carve out time to write more, to look seriously into self-publishing but in the meantime to blog more and study more. This is what I want to do, so I need to do it.

“Dear Body, you have served me incredibly well. I should treat you better”. That was the message to my body I had yesterday. Considering my propensity is inclined towards hedonism and decadence this can be a little difficult. However, I focus on the me in 30 years and I imagine her cussing me for not making small improvements here and now that would make her life better. Vanity aside (I let the dream of six-pack go, eba and ogbonno won that fight), I want to avoid the issues that my current elders have by just taking a little more care.

Be as good to those around me as they are to me. The last year or so has made me realise how lucky I have been with the people around me, family, friends, colleagues and even romantic entanglements. I have some of the most amazing people around and my hope is for better things for them, my desire to make life better for them every time. It all sounds very Pollyanna-ish, doesn’t it? That’s my optimism in play and it is also the truth.

“Stop enjoying life and go get married” are the words of mummy. I’m sure she doesn't mean enjoyment stops when marriage comes (although sometimes I do wonder when I see some folks), more like it’s time to settle down. And for a change I do agree, the idea appeals a little bit more, even though I am worried that the fact I thoroughly enjoy my life right now may be a bit of a hindrance.  So I guess I’ll put it down as a hope; to be in a situation that will encourage that special one on one partnership.

To keep challenging myself to step out of my comfort zone. I chose today because it was going to be after my bungee jump and I was curious as to how I will feel after, if there was going to be some kind of deep and meaningful enlightenment sort of thing. I will say that it felt like the physical manifestation of taking an actual leap of faith and letting the fates do their thing.  It had me feeling like I can do anything and with that feeling, I will try to do everything...errr, maybe within reason of course.

So there it is and much longer than I expected.  My hopes and dreams written down, the things I want put out there in the universe. I will now go and do my thing and try to make it happen. However it goes down, I intend to have a lot of fun on the way.

http://olatoxic.wordpress.com/2014/01/27/day-27-nimi/

My Little People*

“Aunty, Aunty, Aunty”, I hear three excited voices chanting through the door.  I groan as I wake up, remembering where I am. I’m spending some days with my sister’s family. The chanting are her three very hyper kids, they couldn’t even wait for my alarm to go off. I can’t deal with all that just yet, I need coffee. You remember me and my small coffee problem right? Yes, I gave in to it, figuring one a day is not a bad thing. Is that what addicts say?

Anyway back to the kids, 2 nephews, one niece who I am meeting for the first time. She’s been in the family for a few months, but I’m only just meeting her due to time & the rules. She’s 3 years old and one of the most adorable kids ever, goes around calling everyone gorgeous in the cutest accent. So when she says, “Aunty I love you, let’s go jump”, it’s hard to resist. All I say is, “Ok baby, let Aunty have her coffee first” as I trudged to the kitchen and find the biggest mug while three little people run around me excitedly telling their mum, “Aunty is going to jump”. She looks at me with joy and pity, grateful for a few minutes reprieve I’m sure.

Coffee done and it’s time to jump. Up the trampoline we go. “Jump higher Aunty”, they scream. Now I have no issue with jumping, it is great fun but there are things that I’d rather only bounced during one certain activity, this is not it.

I beg for a break and they reluctantly agree. Summer in London has been good so I’m sweating already. “Good exercise”, sister says laughing at me. I side-eye her but secretly agree. 

“Aunty, Aunty come watch us ride. Aunty, Aunty come play hide and seek”

I love the little ones, I truly do but I can’t wait to go back home. Go and sit with some vodka and talk to some big people.

Luckily my big people are more than happy to oblige, also looking forward to some big people drinks tonight.

Oh, and that big decision? Kinda worked out alright :)!

*written for the 3six5 Nigeria project @ http://the3six5ng.wordpress.com/

Senses Of You

I don’t let them look into my eyes

They don’t see me like you do

The light behind the dark

See my soul catch fire

I don’t let their words seduce me

They don’t sound like you do

Sounds melting me from hard ice to hot liquid

Heating up from embers to volcano

I don’t savour their many flavours

They don’t taste like you

Exquisite sweetness of life

Trying to satisfy the insatiable

I don’t let their touch linger

They don’t feel like you do

Caress sending chills across my skin

Touch that calms and excites me  

I don’t let them in my bed

They don’t smell like you do

The Waking Hour*

I wake up and my first thought is, “yeah, I overslept again”.  I may have been a little too friendly with the snooze button this morning.

My next thought is, “Coffee!” which excites me for a second, then I remember I’m supposed to be off the brown nectar at the moment; healthier body, healthier mind...all that malarkey. This is not a good week to be without my favourite vices, my usual calm is being threatened from all sides.

I lay back down as green tea does not feel me with much excitement, and think about those things that I try to dwell on only at late nights and early mornings, before letting the day consume me. Lately though those thoughts have been spilling into the day, affecting things I’d rather it didn’t, no longer contained. I don’t like that; things should stay in their boxes.

I say my morning greetings to my whatsapp and online family, some people I would never have thought I’d be as close to as I am, but I’m learning bonds can come from the most random, surprising places, when you least expect it. Now I just embrace and relish in it.

My phone shows me the missed call from Nigeria, “why do they call so early?” I think.  I sigh in relief it’s not Mum but I’m reminded that there is an important decision to be made. I’ve been stalling, hoping the Universe takes control but I think she’s handed me the reins on this one.

I think about the day’s plan, trying to decide on things. We finally have good weather and I should take advantage. Living at home and working from home can get a little claustrophobic. Being outside allows some air, some breathing space, freedom for my thoughts and letting it wonder away from me. Besides my sister has been dropping some major hints about peppersoup which means there is shopping to be done.

I leave the comfort of my bed reluctantly; decide a little extra joy is needed as I fill the kettle. A sigh of pleasure escapes my lips as I take a sip, I’ll get back to my healthy body and mind tomorrow.

*written for the 3six5 Nigeria project @ http://the3six5ng.wordpress.com/

Mother Forever

I see a picture and the tears form
See the thinness of her skin, the frailty of her bones
This lady who has such a lonely face, but there's still fire in her eyes
The beauty comes through when she smiles
My mother, my protector, my strength in every given day
Her strength may be weakening, her mind not entirely her own
She may not recognise all of me but I hear excitement when she hears my voice
I imagine her face lighting up as she makes sure I am ok
I see her deepest within, her hope for betterness and better things for her children
Her faith is still alive...it's still there
And as long as she has that, my strength remains

Think About Me

As I lay in the dark, with the world finally slowing down

Allowing myself to finally take a breath

I have to wonder, do you think about me

Like I think about you

As I close my eyes, letting memories pass

Letting nostalgia wash over me

I have to wonder, do you think about me

Like I think about you

As I remember your voice, whispering in my ear

Telling me I am your weakness

I have to wonder, do you think about me

Like I think about you

As I recollect every caress, your hands on my skin

Of you pulling me closer into you

I have to wonder, do you think about me

Like I think about you

As I recall every gasp for air, to replace what you took

Getting lost in the taste of your kiss

I have to wonder, do you think about me

Like I think about you

As I open my eyes, with my hands between my thighs

Trying to fill the void that you left behind

I have to wonder, do you think about me

Like I think about you

Hopeful Words

As I sit back and read through the words
Reading into things, analysing and over-analysing
Wondering if I missed anything not said
I realise I had hope, unexpected hope
Hope against realities set in place by others
Hope in face of impracticalites I had no control of
Hope that the words would translate
Translate into much more than what they were
I try to fight it, kill it, to hide it
But it doesn't go away, it keeps reigniting
So I throws the words away, hoping they go to oblivion
Wishing my mind erases them, no longer able to recall
Recall the words that give such impossible hope
Because no matter how beautiful these words are
No matter how sincere
The sentiment remains the same

I don't want you.

Smiles For Him

He makes me smile
I hate to admit it, but he makes me smile
Bright silly smiles that chase the blues away
Smiles that keep me warm in the cold
Smiles that show I trust when I don't want to

At the most inappropriate times he makes me smile
Smiles that help the hurt pride refuses to show
Smiles that keep people guessing
Secret smiles meant only for him
Smiles that show love even when I try to hide it

And even when he's making me cry, he makes me smile

Longing

You make me miss things I'd rather not miss

Miss the sense of belonging

Miss long nights of just being held

Miss conversations of everything and nothing 

You make me feel things I'd rather not feel

Feel like all is right with our world

Feel like I don't have to be so strong all the time

Feel like I can let go a little

You make me do things I'd rather not do

Think of you, thoughts that should be forbidden

Stay with you when I shouldn't be there

Call you just to hear your voice

You make me want things I can't have

You make me want you

Be Honest

What if for just one day you could say what you are really thinking? What you really want? What if somebody gave you permission to be honest, even just for a second?

Would you tell your boss you find new ways to cause them grievious bodily harm everyday to get through?

Would you open up and admit your fear you might not be as good as you believe?

Would you tell your parents being grown-up can be hard sometimes and you have days of wanting to be a child again?

Would you tell your friends you are tired of being strong sometimes?

Would you tell your childhood friend that the reason you have been avoiding their phone call is because you no longer have enough in common?

Would you tell the girl at the bar she's really not as hot as she thinks and you're only chatting her up because you couldn't get any joy from your first choice?

Would you tell the guy at the bar champagne is overrated, just fizzy white wine for unnecessary show offs & leaves you completely unimpressed?

Would you tell your friend he/she is making a big mistake marying her/him?

Would you tell your ex-lover that despite all that has happened you want them back?

Would you tell your current lover of those deep, dark thoughts swirling around in your head that you want him/her to try?

Would you tell your FWB that you now want more than the occasional late night phone call?

Would you tell that elusive one that when you think of them you see hot wax & cool silk sheets?



So think about it for a minute, if you have the permission.....would you honest?

System Failure

"This is what you love. This is what you live for. You're supposed to be enjoying this". My brain whispers furiously to My body. "You're not working as you are meant to".

"I know I am supposed to be". My body answers back wearily. "I am trying to work but I'm not and I am tired of doing things just because you say so. I am sorry if I have failed you".

"How can you be tired?" My brain asks, puzzled at the thought. "You're still young and this is what it's all about. It's about the highs, the thrill and the heat of that little touch, that contact however hard or soft".

My Body replies angrily, "I know I'm young but that does not stop me from feeling older than my years. I am tired and I need to recover from the daily grind but you never let me. You never let me rest from anything".

"I need to recover from those long work days. I need to recover from those real early mornings to those late late nights. I need to recover from those days of way too much sleep and those days of much too little. From your pursuit of some idealistic perfect body to your enjoyment of decadence.

From that trauma you had me go through but did not let me rest from. I understood your need to hide, to be strong and I allowed you to lead, thinking you'll soon let me rest but you didn't. In your selfishness you didn't understand that I needed time to stop and heal.

I need to recover from the cold. From the heat, aches and pain, the bruises. I know we have to keep going, that life does not stop just because I am unwell but you need to also take care of me I rely on you more that I want to.

Do you think I don't miss it? Miss the highs, the thrill the feel of it all? Of course I do. But all that will have to wait until I recover from everything you put me through".

Decisions

I was ok with it.

I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it. I was not going to think about whether it was a good or bad one. I had made a choice and I was going to be ok.

At least that is what I told myself. Maybe I should have deleted your number but I chose not to. I made a decision. I guess I needed to at least hold on to your name, looking at it every once in a while, never calling. Just knowing I had a choice made it ok.

I moved on to other things, other places, other people. I got someone else. Not to replace you, even I knew I could never replace you. I just needed to be distracted. I guess it worked because eventually I stopped looking at your number every once in a while but I knew it was still there. In fact I stopped looking at my phone.

Then, as it is with life, when I thought I was finally ok and when I least expected it, my mind wandered back to you and I remembered.

I remembered the kisses, especially the light ones on the neck and down my back

I remembered talking till the break of dawn of things completely irrelevant to anyone else but us

I remembered us breaking into dance, in the middle of the street, our laughter as music

I remembered waking up to you watching me and you saying it was because you loved watching me sleep

I remembered wanting to be so close to you that I felt like crawling underneath your skin

I remembered all you had to do was say the words and I died the little death in the most exquisite way

So I made a decision and I looked at my phone. Scrolled down to your name, pressed the call button and then I waited.......

Random Things about Me

I wrote this about 3 years ago....they mostly still apply so I figured it's a good way to introduce myself.

1. I am African, specifically Nigerian and proud

2. I am not a fan of exercise but i love boxing (doing, not watching)

3. I can only sit through a whole movie at the cinema, at home my attention span doesn't last more than 30mins.....1hr tops

4. I'd rather go visit people than have them come visit me

5. I believe my mother to be the coolest woman alive......close 2nds are all 5 of my sisters

6. I have absolutely no fear of getting older

7. I can't speak my native language, some days I wish I did but it is what it is

8. I would like to blog but not sure I would like people to know me that much (well that's no longer the case I think....testing the waters)

9. No matter how much I am prepared for change, I still hate it.

10. I have the best taste in desserts.

11. My heart has been broken twice....when i was 16 and the second time was my own fault (no questions, please :-)!!)

12. One of best advices from my mother....dance naked in front of a mirror.....try it....hilarious!!!

13. I once played chess on my laptop for 10hrs straight & didn't win once....only came close 4 tyms

14. Give me a good book & am happy for days

15. I may be addicted to gorgeous high heeled shoes.....the jury's still out on that

16. I enjoy drinking (alcohol)....but not to the extent some people think

17. The people closest to me think I hide my feelings too much....I call it maintaining the mystique....either way, they get hurt by it sometimes

18. I am more ambitious/competitive than I like to let on

19. I hate mayonaise

20. I am a bit of a romantic.....it's the little things that count.

21. I love most music. give me some old soul vibe & am in heaven

22. I really want to learn how to ride a motorcycle, might need to learn how to drive first, though

23. It has taken me 5 months to finally get a cooker & I still havn't had it installed, yes the various take-aways in my area know me very well (well it was installed and I moved out of the property almost 2 years ago)

24. I enjoy solitude as much as I enjoy socialising

25. I seem to be a whole bunch of contradictions....that comes across to others in so many different ways but really am just me