Today has been a bitter-sweet day, I've reflected on different things I've learnt in the past year, about myself, about other people. I've always been able to put things neatly into their boxes, one thing not affecting the other; opening the boxes a little bit when needed just to maintain balance or at least a façade of it.
I always felt this was not a loss I will get over, always felt I'd never survive it. That's been about right, I haven't, not quite...but I'm still breathing. I felt I'd be in a different place right now since I kept breathing I'd be able to box it somewhere and put it in a corner. I still can't decide if I'm worse or just different.
The acceptance has been something; that it wouldn't get better more manageable, sure but not better. There are bearable days, many of them and days just filled with despair. This is a 'permanent state of affairs.
I see the question in people's eyes, in the tone of their voices. They forget, want you to be ok for their comfort..want you to snap out it. And I just want to tell them to accept, the way I have accepted. Accept it or leave my life, "the day I stop grieving is the day I stop breathing"*
*Inspired by something I read earlier in the week
(and back to the regular scheduled program very soon)